


never alone

by WendigoBaby



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec helping his fellow gays figure stuff out, Coming Out, Discussions of sexuality, Gen, Lesbian Clary Fray, Reluctant Friendships, Supportive Alec Lightwood, wlw/mlm solidarity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-30
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2019-04-30 08:32:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14492994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WendigoBaby/pseuds/WendigoBaby
Summary: “And how can someone know if they’re… not straight?” Clary inquires again, aiming for only mildly interested and missing the mark completely. She seems to be skirting around an issue, clearly avoiding key words that might lead Alec to the right conclusion.“Why are you asking?” Alec responds, a small inkling of what might be happening already forming in the back of his mind.Clary licks her lips, picking at the loose thread on her torn jeans.“I’ve been feeling strange lately.”





	never alone

Hearing the quiet knocking, Alec doesn’t expect the person behind the door to be Clary. She slinks into his office, her steps slow as she wanders closer to the over-cluttered desk he’s sat behind. She reminds Alec of a child who’s clearly feeling unsure over something and is trying to figure out whether or not to tell.

 

Straightening up in his chair from where he was hunched over the report pile for today, Alec rests his forearms on the desk, winding his fingers together; waiting. From experience, he’s guessing either she’s in trouble or it’s about Jace. Clary sighs, tapping her palms gently over her thighs as if she doesn’t know what to do with them.

 

“What did you do?” he asks tersely but not unkindly, a shadow of an amused smile lost somewhere in the corners of his lips. They’ve never grown to be close friends like Clary did with Izzy, but Alec has come to somewhat tolerate her antics, to treat her the same he would any other Shadowhunter he’s responsible for - with respect and care, despite all the stunts she’s pulled. He’s almost fond of her, in a way that one is fond of their annoying younger sibling.

 

Clary chuckles, her eyes flitting over the office as if she’s searching for something to hold onto, to pull her attention away. She moves a strand of ginger hair away from her face, tucks it behind her ear. 

 

“It’s not that, really-” she starts, then cuts herself off with a sigh, avoiding Alec’s questioning gaze.

 

He tips his head to the side, eyebrows furrowed in confusion; Clary’s never so nervous about seeing him, so this has to be something bigger than your usual law-breaking.

 

“What did Jace do, then?”

 

She smiles at that, a short press of her lips together, like it’s an inside joke between them of sorts. And it is - between all the sneaking around and secrets and dying, it’s almost funny.

 

“He didn’t do anything, I swear. But this is kind of about him, I mean-”

 

Alec can see the way her hands ball into fists in frustration at her sides and he stands, now alarmed. There’s something under his skin that tells him this is bigger, more personal and visceral than anything they’ve talked about before. “Come on, sit down.”

 

He leads Clary over to the couch across his desk and she plops herself down between the large beige pillows, almost drowning in them with how small she seems right then and there, her shoulders heavy with her burden.

 

Alec perches on the edge of the coffee table across from her, resting his elbows on his knees. “Talk to me, Fray,” he says quietly, his tone soft to coax out the words she’s having trouble with.

 

Tucking her legs under her, Clary looks at Alec for a moment, before asking, “How did you know you were gay?”

 

That’s definitely not what Alec expected to hear - he frowns, at first at a loss for words. It almost feels like an elaborate prank, but Clary looks completely serious, almost worried in a way, which makes Alec tell the truth sincerely, leaving out the biting sarcasm curling around his tongue.

 

“Well, I’ve always felt I was different when it came to that. It was never a big lightbulb moment, just small things that added up until I couldn’t longer hide from the reality of it all,” Alec pauses, staring somewhere into the distance as he gathers his thoughts. Without realizing, he’s rubbing his fingers together, digits running over scarred knuckles. “When people would talk about romantic stuff, about dates, partners and marriage, I could never see myself with a girl. It didn’t feel right.”

 

As much as he initially wanted to, he could never force how he felt - being married to a woman, having sex with her, even being attracted to women in more than aesthetical ways, it all seemed a hoax, an uncomfortable and anxiety-inducing lie. It was forced upon him, introduced when he was still young and impressionable, repeated until it stuck with him, until he started to believe it like it was the truth.

 

“And how can someone know if they’re… not straight?” Clary inquires again, aiming for only mildly interested and missing the mark completely. She seems to be skirting around an issue, clearly avoiding key words that might lead Alec to the right conclusion.

 

“Why are you asking?” Alec responds, a small inkling of what might be happening already forming in the back of his mind.

 

Clary licks her lips, picking at the loose thread on her torn jeans.

 

“I’ve been feeling strange lately.”

 

“Strange how?”

 

“Jace and I have been together for a while now, but recently I don’t… it’s difficult to explain.” Clary bites at the inside of her cheek, eyes downturned. Usually, despite her small posture, she’s all attitude and snark, even in her lowest moments, so seeing her this quiet makes Alec feel disconcerted.

 

“Take your time,” he announces and stands, walking over to the electric kettle tucked into the small space behind his door. From experience, he knows that sometimes it’s easier to speak when out of the spotlight so he lets Clary have that sort of freedom. He leaves his back turned, busy with making them some tea if just to hold something warm and soothing.

 

“I don’t know what I feel anymore. Jace and I have been through so much, at first dancing around each other to end up as siblings, which is fucked up if you really think about it,” Clary chuckles to herself and Alec allows himself a smile, remembering the conversation he and Jace had about it what seems light years ago. After a quiet pause, she continues. “Now that we’ve finally gotten together, I thought I was feeling strange because Jace didn’t want to have sex with me- sorry, that’s probably too much information about your brother.”

 

This time, it’s Alec’s turn to laugh quietly. “We’re supposed to be parabatai, I’ve heard much worse things,” he assures, turning back for a moment to give her a pointed look that she replies to with a sympathetic wince.

 

The kettle burbles, signaling the water’s boiling and Alec prepares two mugs of green tea, just the hint of mango raising into the air.

 

“So, I thought I was just subconsciously feeling unsure, but then he started to really invest himself into this and-”

 

“Invest?” Alec prompts, handing one of the mugs off to Clary. He perches on the table again, careful not to spill any tea on himself - the suit he’s wearing is new and he’s got a date tonight, sue him.

 

“He told me he loved me. And I haven’t said it back so far.” Clary’s voice goes quiet as she speaks, the last few words coming out as barely a whisper; her eyebrows are drawn together, expression tight. Alec’s not an expert in reading people, but it’s clear enough she’s feeling guilty about it, worried perhaps. And he’d sigh, say ‘oh, straight people’, but he’s got an inkling that’s not entirely correct.

 

“Oh,” he hums, takes a sip of his tea.

 

“Yeah. Then he took me out on a date, a real one, and the feeling didn’t disappear. Instead it got stronger and I realized it’s not about Jace, but about me,” Clary sighs against the rim of her mug, eyes downcast. “I feel like I have to do it, everything that a girlfriend does, but I don’t want to. It was similar with Simon, we did everything, but it didn’t feel right.”

 

He doesn’t want to say it, but he does anyway; it hurts a little bit. “Like sex, for example?”

 

“Mhm. I thought it was because we were childhood friends, but-” Clary hides her face in her hands for a couple of seconds, growing more and more frustrated, her voice turning louder until she’s almost yelling. “I care about Jace, I like him, but I don’t want to lead him on and I just- I don’t know! I don’t know what I’m supposed to be!”

 

She sets her cup down with impact strong enough to probably shatter it and stands up, strands of hair flying in her face. Alec stands after her, hands outstretched in an attempt to placate her outburst. “Hey, hey, it’s okay.”

 

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything, I’ll just go,” she mumbles, trying to push past Alec, but he grasps her elbow, gently but with enough force to stop her from leaving.

 

“Clary, come on. We can work this out,” he pleads, dipping his head down to catch her eyes. She holds his gaze for a moment, as if she’s looking for something; she seems to find it and settle, let go of the tenseness in her body. They sit again and this time Alec’s on the couch as well, turned to face Clary. “Okay. How do you feel about men?”

 

The question sounds stupid when said out loud, but he considers the most simple way will be the most effective. As much as people see him as some sort of a pioneer in gay things in the Shadowhunters’ world, he’s still new to everything himself. He’s never had this kind of trouble when coming to his own identity, but he can do his best to help Clary figure hers out.

 

“They’re… nice? I mean, I can see they’re handsome and being with one sounds good in theory. I want it, until I get it and then it’s just… _there_.”

 

That’s strike one. Alec nods, remembers Izzy telling him about compulsory heterosexuality; he makes a mental note to himself to tell Clary about it later, or maybe direct her to some information. Leaning over to grab his cooling tea, he asks casually, “What about girls?”

 

Clary gives a noise that could be interpreted as flustered, followed by a soft chuckle.

 

“I try not to stare, but they’re _so_ pretty. When I was out with Jace, we bumped into Maia and Simon and I couldn’t stop staring at her - the way she moved and smiled and just… everything about her was attractive. Same with Izzy, she always looks amazing no matter what she does.”

 

Strike two. Alec tries not to imagine his sister with Clary.

 

“Would you like to kiss a girl? Can you imagine yourself doing so?” he questions instead - from his own experience, even the most harmless fantasies are usually a good hint as to what’s going on; even before Alec admitted to being gay to himself, he’s caught himself thinking about what was ‘forbidden’ back then way more than once.

 

Clary blinks thoughtfully, her eyes staring somewhere into the middle distance. “I-, yeah, I think I’d like that. Lately, I’ve been catching myself looking at girls, thinking about how their hands would feel in mine, how it would feel to-” Suddenly, Clary straightens up, lips still open around the aborted sentence.

 

Strike three.

 

“You’ve found your answer,” Alec smiles, something akin to pride settling in his chest.

 

Clary nods enthusiastically, her eyes wide.

 

“I think I’m a lesbian,” she announces with gravity to her tone, just the slightest hints of a smile curling at her lips before they fade in favor of slight panic.

 

Alec knows how confusing it is to discover your world turned upside down - sexuality and attraction play a big part in everyone’s identity, so finding out something has shifted is terrifying, especially when there’s no one to turn to. Alec has tried to keep himself in the confines of the person he was supposed to be, has tried to keep himself from suffocating in all of the lies, in the fake smiles and every thought meant to make him adhere to society’s rules. He’s been alone for most of his journey, having to fend for himself and figure everything out on his own - he wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

 

“And that’s okay. I know it’s scary and confusing right now, and it will be for a while. You’re gonna have doubts - are you gay enough? Are you gay at all, or are you just fooling yourself into feeling different?” Alec rests his palm on Clary’s forearm, squeezes slightly, and sends her a reassuring little smile. “Don’t rush it. There’s no right or wrong way to be gay, no perfect way to come out to your people when you feel ready. You’re on a journey, a wonderful, one-of-a-kind, terrifying as hell journey.”

 

Clary chuckles as two sparkling tears race down her cheeks, hanging onto the line of her jaw. She wipes them away hastily, but keeps laughing, the sound coming out happy despite the watery note. “What would I do without you, Alec?”

 

He shrugs with a grin. “Probably something stupid, like usual.”

 

She rolls her eyes and stands up again - Alec follows. They move through the room and towards the door; when Clary has her hand on the handle, she turns back to Alec with a smile that he returns easily.

 

“What a day, huh?” she asks, scrunching up her nose, just the slightest bit of awkward.

 

“I might be the resident gay guy around here, but I’m sure Izzy, Magnus or even Aline wouldn’t mind talking to you about this if you have questions. My door’s always open too.” Alec pushes one of his hands into the pocket of his suit jacket, watches Clary rub the edges of her sleeves over her cheeks to get the rest of the wetness off, her expression sheepish.

 

“I’ll remember that. And… thank you so much.” Clary reaches out, puts her palm on Alec’s shoulder and he covers it with his own for a couple of seconds, accepting the thanks with a slow nod; there’s really nothing to thank him for, he’s just looking out for his people.

 

“Go, take the rest of the day off. Just try to not get into trouble, alright?”

 

“You got it, boss.” Clary salutes Alec and leaves, her steps bouncing back as an echo down the corridor until they fade into a soft sort of silence.

 

Alec closes the door and wanders over to his desk chair, slumping into it with a sigh. Looking at the two mugs still on the coffee table, Alec thinks, _what a day, indeed_.

**Author's Note:**

> find me on [tumblr](https://catarinalec.tumblr.com/)


End file.
